chapter 11: DUH-HUURRR!!
Zim returned to his base, removed his disquise, and sat infront of the monitor.
"Wheres your pointy friend?" Gir asks, walking upside down on his hands.
Zim rests his head in his hand crouching over the desk.
"Hes succumb to the earth slave drones, Gir." He sighs deeply. "The lack of a mission has made me bored...my base is rendering meaningless. Irken technology should not sit and collect dust."
"Mmmwhy dontchya' do an updgrade?" He says landing in a sitting cross-legged position.
Zim goes into another room with Gir by his side.
"So you got it?" A big man in an apron much like siz-lor if he were humans, pointed sternly at Dib.
"I think so." Dib says confidently.
"Give it a shot." He handed Dib a white apron and a hat to match.
Dib did just as he was told. A customer popped in and he made the order, rung it up, and cashed her out, leaving her with a friendly goodbye statement.
Dib turned to his boss, hoping for praise.
"Good work but dont be afriad to really get that strawberry chocolatey. Ill check on you in an hour and if you need me ill be in the kitchen."
"Yes sir," Dib said as he attended to the next customer.
Zim sat on a platform, with a bored expression on his face. A tube hooked from the ceiling down to his pak.
"Computer. Activate upgrade code 441." He said with little enthuseasm.
"Uhm, I don't think thats a good ide-" The computer stopped as Zim scolded him....er it..."
"Do it!" He yelled with frustration.
*Sigh* "Yes master."
Zim twitched a bit. Upgrades were always a bit painful as there was an electric shock every few seconds.
"Computer! Somethings.... Not right. State contents of upgrade 441." He demanded.
The shocks became stronger and the computer did not respond.
"COMPUTER! STATE CONTENTS!" Zim yelled.
The shocks grew to an unbearable amount.
"GIR! Something is wrong. Shut it off manually!"
"OH NO!" Gir jumps onto Zims face. "Master! Are you sick?"
The Shocks became frequent, until the current was constant and growing. The entire base shut down completely. Zim and girs bodies were thrown in opposite directions. All was still. Then, the electricity returned and the base repowered.
"Rebooting....................Manual log in required,"
Zims eyes shot open.
"Ok. Your done for the night, Heres your schedule for the next two weeks. Youll be paid orientation as well as training. Be sure to follow the dress code. Details are on the back. See you tomorrow!"
The boss waves Dib goodbye as he locks up the store.
Dib lays on his bed skimming the pamflet of new information.
"No shorts..blah blah blah no visible jewelry must be clean shavin yadda yadda." He sighs as he tosses his papers to the floor. He searches for his phone.
*Ring ring..ring ring...ring ring....ring ring...* "Voicemail not set. Leave a message after the be-" *click*
"Not set? What happened to his old one?"
Dib flashed back to a day he heard Zims old voicemail.
"Hello earth skum. You are calling your friendly earth loving neighbor human. Dont call again!"
Dib rested his arm over his eyes. His feet feeling swollen and his muscles a bit achey.
He immediatly fell asleep.
He tossed and turned throughout the night, waking up at 5 a.m. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.
"Something feels wrong." He said to himself, grabbing his shoes and a clean shirt.
He Stepped up to Zims door and froze. It was so unusual being at Zims for non invasive intentions.
*knock knock knock*
"IT'S the FUZZ!!" Someone yelled from inside.
All went from quiet a moment before Dib decided to enter on his own accord.
Zim was propped on the couch watching cartoons and wating animal crackers.
"Ziiim...what are you doing, hun?"
"Watching me cartooooonns." He replied geefully."
"Why?... Does this have something to do with gir?" Dib was horrified. Zim hates cartoons. And animal crackers... 'What on earth is going on?' He wondered.
"Oh.. he not home."
Dib sat on the couch staring at Zim.
"Do you know your name?" He had to ask. To be sure there was hope.
"Ofcourse! I am ZIM!"
He sighed with relief. "Thank god. Your just stupid."
Zim bounced along to a catchy theme song.
"Can I have a cookie?" Dib said as he held out his hand, not knowing what else to say.
"MY COOKIES!" Zim hissed, hiding his cookies in his chest.
"Well....Why don't we go down to your lab and try to get you back to normal?"
"Uhm.. ok.. think Dib think.. OH! Ill take you to the zoo afterwards!"
Zim glanced up with a largedumb smile.
"Thats right.. animals... lets hurry ok?" Dib grabbed Zims hand and led him to the elevator entrance thing. He never knew if it had a name.. Just that it was located under a small peice of furniture.
On the way down Zim took great joy in playing with Dibs scythe like lock of hair.
"Computer!" Dib yells as they enter the lab. "Whats wrong with Zim?"
"Unautherized access." The computer replies.
"Damnit.. ok.. SYSTEM DIAGNOSIS!"
"Voice unknown. Enter password."
"What the hell..." He looks to Zim who was sitting on the floor doodling with a laser pen.
"LOOK! Im doctor who!" he says holding the pen to the sky.
"Zim. Whats your password?"
"Goddamnit... " Dib yells, throwing his fists on the keyboard.
"I KNOW!" He glances at Zim who was now flying a kite and running like and idiot.
He sat for a minute. Deciding hed try guessing.
"Irkens Rule." "Access denied."
"Stinky humans." "Access denied."
"Go Irk." "Access denied."
"Death to humans." "Access denied."
"Stinkbeasts." "Access denied."
"Stink pig." "Access denied."
"Grrr... I dunno... Meat wad?" "Access denied."
"You won't be able to get in without that password."
"Obviously!" Dib said turning around to see gir standing about 5 feet away.
"Gir? So you ARE here?" Dib was puzzled. Why would Zim say he was gone?"
"Obviously." Gir retorted.
"Well why didn't you come out-"
"NOOOO!! You told me sally was the father!!" Zim yelled to Gir.
Dib continued. "Why didn't you come out earlier?"
"It was fun to watch you struggle."
"Makes sense.. so what the hell happened? Why are you smart n why is Zim..." he looks over to Zim..
"Why is he even more stupid?"
"It happened last night. Zim was doing a normal update on his pak. Being the stupid that he is, he didnt consider the risk he was taking, being banned and all. They no longer update the data he was supposed to recieve. So being cut off from them, infromation was incomplete, and mind you, very dangerous to attempt, the dumbass. A pak is not meant to fish out the good updates from the junk. So random information was being shoved through. Being that my programming was extremely low quality, i rushed to save him.. kinda. His pak overloaded and upon everything going haywire, some of our dad was swapped.
Frankly i have no intentions of fixing it." Gir added with a grin.
"So... Your not going to help?"
"Well cant i just call the tallests?"
"Though they are the only ones who can fix it, they have blocked all communication and transmissions, and even if you could get ahold of them, their distaste for Zim and anyone not of irken species would just humor them.
"They hate Zim that much?...........*sigh* so.... what am i supposed to do?"
They both look at Zim who was concentrating on his animals crackers..
"Will........ set....... fire!"
"What if Zim demands you to help. Hes still your master after all."
"Doesn't mean ill listen."
"How about me?"
"Dont push it." Gir snapped.
"Geez.. you ARE evil."
"All part of my update." He said proudly, refferring to the accidental mishap.
Dib thought of options.
"Well.. guess were going to have to go to Irk ourselves."
"Even if you make it there alive they'll just enjoy killing you. You have nothing to offer them."
"Oh but i do." Dib said with a smile.
"You have fun with that." Gir says as he turns to leave.
"Your coming with me."
Dib grabs Girs tiny wrist along with Zims, and they race to the voot cruiser.
"This is a horrible idea! Your just as dumb as Zim!"
Dib throws them both into the compet and climbs in. His backpack sitting to his left.
He pressed a few buttons and the lid closes securly, with Gir pressed against the window.
"NO! I cant go.. what are you thinking?!?!" He screams.
"Your just afraid theyll turn you to scrap metal."
"I was MADE from scrap metal!" Gir whines.
The roof opened and the coot shoots into the sky.
4 hours later.
Zim sat up from a nap.
"Are we there yet?" He pesters.
"Actually i have no idea even where were supposed to go."
*huff* "Im bored." Zim crawls over to Dib and licks his cheek suductively.
"You can entertain me." He whispers.
Dib blushes as he feels his pants tighten.
"Weelll.... WAIT no! Were on a mission!"
Zim pouts.. "You promised youd take me to see aminals."
"Turn left at the next planet." Gir cuts in.
"Why help us now?"
"I want to get this over with."
"How do I know you wont just fly us into the sun or something."
"Guess youll have to find out, huh"
An hour passes of Zims continuous dumb thoughs and girs complaining.
"There." Gir points.
"Yup.. that is not the sun." Says Zim.
Gir leads Dib to a secret docking station.
"This part of the massive is rarely used anymore. So we shouldn't have been spotted."
"Wouldn't they have detected us or something by now?"
"If they had we would have been dead already." He replies sourly.
"It's safe to assume the forgot to bock the cruisers id being that its obsolete, and with Zims pak being screwed up the scanning has no way of detecting its code."
Gir lead them through the corridors, halls, and hidden passageways. Avoiding all guards as much as possible.
They reach the main entrance to the tallests chamber.
Zim was told to stay with the cruiser being that he would be the one to get them caught.
"Got any tips for me?" Dib asked.
"No.. Your gonna die."
"Thanks." He says sarcastically. He walks up to the massive doors and they open automatically as he strolls through.
"UH.. whoa..whoa... who are you? And how did you get in here?" Purple says pointing.
"Tallests red and purple!" 'Silly names' "I have come from earth in hopes of a favor!"
Red and purple stare at the strange creature. Suddenly they break into laughter, spilling there drinks in the process.
Red wipes the tears from his eyes. "Why would we do that?"
"It's for Zim."
Immediatly they were quiet.
"What about Zim?" Red asks.
"YEAH!" Purple adds.
"He needs help an-"
"Hes not here is he? Tell me hes not here!" Purple bites his nails and glances around worriedly.
"He can't be here we would have been notifed." Red states.
"We'll, hes here but-"
"WHAT! GUARDS! Find Zim! Kill him! And launch him into space! You!" He points to Dib.
"Listen, I can get Zim out of your hair just hear me out!"
"OFF with his regular sized head!" purple continued.
"Wait a sec. I am interested in his not as good of an idea as ours speech." Red says.
"Well...long story short...Zim tried to do an update thing and now him and Gir are.. well... mess up."
The tallests stood, forcing themselves to hold back from laughter.
"I just want Zim back to normal and I can keep him from ever leaving earths galaxy again."
Purple and red nodded.
"Why should we do this instead of launching his cooked meat into space?" Said red.
Dib took off his backpack and pulled out a small blue decorated box.
"If not a favor then a trade. I understand you both like sweets and snacks. I brought with me some earth snacks i think you will both enjoy."
He handed them the box and there eyes gleamed when they forced off the lid.
"These are hands down the best gourmet chocoates I have ever had and most likely on my planet." Dib informs. "I even made them myself." 'Mostly for Zim but.. saving his life will have to do.'
"And might I add your both as tall as ive ever seen."
They both ate a chocolate.
"Not bad... but id rather see Zim get launched." Says purple.
"Wait I have more!" Dib pulled out another box.
"These are earth donuts. Theres some jelly filled ones as well."
"DONUTS!!" Screamed both tallests in unison as the snarf the pastries down one after another."
"Not bad, tall but not as tall as us thing." says red.
Dib smiles. "I have a few extra boxes of chocolates fruits and other junk too." He hands them three more small boxes.
"Oh and jello."
Red and purple cock there heads to the side.
Dib opens the container and plops it onto a paper plate, handing it to the tall irkens along with two plaster spoons.
The tallest gazed in wonder.
"You can call me Dib by the way."
"Dib." Red repeats.
"Thats a silly name." Purple mocks.
"It's...soo jiggleh.." Red says still interested in the jello.
"It's like it's happy to see us!" Purple leans in closer.
They both ingulf a spoonful.
"It's like a liquid solid dancing in my mouth!" Says purple seemingly in a daze.
"Dib-thing. Your height is impressive and these snacks have oddly lifted my mood.
We'll fix Zim, kinda, and ban him completely. He is not to even THINK about stepping foot near us again."
"Or call us." Purple adds with a mouthfull.
"I swear I will not even allow him to mention your names!" Dib salutes. He runs out and tells Gir it was safe to bring Zim, then returns to the tallests.
"So...*giggle* How did he brainwash you into tolerating him?" asked purple.
"Hahah i cant believe you asked him!" Red laughs. "I mean.. he just terrible at EVERYTHING!"
"I put the fires out" mocked purple as they held there stomaches.
"Seriously HAHAHA! OH! Remember when he took the doomsday robot thinking it was saturday?" said red.
"YEAH! It was two days early and the leg wasnt even attatched yet!" purples words jumbled a bit as he he laughed harder.
"The-.... hahaha the head popped off." Red takes a deep breath. "and he hopped out thinking he was on another planet.. started screaming!"
They collapsed onto the floating platform.
They stand up again as Gir and Zim enter the room.
"DIBBY!" Zim yells as he runs and hugs the human.
Red and purple return to hysterical laughter.
"Service drone Manny!" Yells purple.
An irken service drone stand in salute in his post. "Yes Sir."
"Fix Zim... Oh.. Zim.. Go stand over there."
"I dont know what to say." Zims says bashful as he skips to the spot.
"Dont say anything." Red says with a smile.
Manny pushes several keys and a large tube from the ceiling extends from the ceiling, connecting to Zims pak. The large monitor begins to flicker.
"Wiping Data." Many yells.
Information in irk appeared on the screen but Dib was uninterested in what it said, as it scrolled to fast for him anyway. Instead he watches as Zim slumps over. His eyes became completely blank. Shallow, pale... just... blank.
"Loading Zims personal data." Manny yells again.
"HAH! Shouldnt be too long of a list." Gir spoke.
Red and purple giggled at Girs comment.
"Uploading Data!" he announced once again.
Zim immediatly came back to life.
"Ugh.. why does my head hurt?" he said.
Gir facepalmed. "I can make so many insults out of that."
"Adding patches and corrections!"
Zim glanced up, a fearful look in his eyes as he realized where he was.
"My tallests! I apologize for my appearence." He said as he stood in salute.
"It will be your last appearence Zim." Red says with a look of distaste.
"Understood my tallests." He looks to the floor as if he was going to cry. And it showed on the corner of the screen.
"What are those?" Asks purple.
"Levels of emotions, sir." Manny informed.
"What?" Red was shocked.
"Wait, whats going on. Whats the big deal with emotions?" Dib was fed up with the bullshit. Why were emotions seen as such a terrible thing?
"Irkens lost the ability to feel many things after supressing them fro many years. They felt love and many other urges lead to lazyness and ultimately weakness. Without urges they turned to technology even to reproduce also helping them become an ultimate race." Gir said as he tapped his foot impatiently.
"Hence why Zim said he was not able to."
"Man were awsome." said purple.
"Mmm.. I agree." Said red.
"No feelings to the point you can't even reproduce?" Dib thought to himself out loud.
"Were awsome you know!" Yelled purple.
"Update finished sirs."
"Boy are they missing out." Dib said quietly wondering how life would be to never have the joy of sex.
He decided to shut up before they changed there mind.
"So.. If Zim has the capability to feel... what does that mean.. for him i mean?"
"He's defective." Red spat.
Zims eyes widened as he stared hard at them. The levels on the screen skyrocketed.
"So...." Dib was confused.
"NO! NO my tallests please! Ill never come back i swear i dont want to be deactivated!!!" He fell to his knees and pleaded.
"Deactivate?" Dib questioned.
"Kill him." Gir said.
Dib turned to the tallests, worrying this would throw off the deal.
"Were not going to deactivate you Zim. We already gave you to the Dib-thing."
Dib and Zim exhaled in releif. Gir rolling his eyes in the backround.
"Manny.. add update 214 and 118." Red demanded.
"Can I have lasers?" Zim asked.
"Everythings complete my tallests."
"WEll alrighty." Purple said joyfully hoping Zim would go away faster.
"All we need is the password and we can seal it." Manny said.
Everyone looked at Zim, waiting for a response.
"Uhm.. lemme just." He took a step towards the side computers hoping to type it in himself.
"Zim just give it." Red demanded. Obviously becoming frustrated.
Zim blushed heavily as the emotion levels changed.
"Can we hurry this up?" Gir was becoming agitated.
"It's... Diblove.." Zim said hiding his face behind his hands.
"It's wha?" Purple leaned forward.
"He said it's Diblove!" Gir shouted again.
Dib blushed heavily and he grinned from ear to ear.
Red and purple looked at eachother confused.
The tube detactched from Zims pak and Dib ran into his arms, hugging him tight. They kissed passionatly.
"Ew." Red and purple looked discusted.
Zim walks over to Gir.
"You really want me to be stupid again?"
"If i don't youll rebel."
"Good point." Gir nodded.
Zim dove his hands into Girs head and unplugged the main power. His body dimmed anf collapsed lifelessly to the floor.
"Zimmy...Lets go home and have hot sweet sex." Dib said teasingly. Half embarrassing Zim and half mocking the tallests.
Zims turned bright red.
"Ok go away now." said red, shooeing them to the door and both tallests turned to vomit.